Big Girls Do Cry

So today I, a grown woman, cried in a clothing store changing room. But, not for the reasons you may be expecting. As many Big People can relate to, trying on clothing when you are overweight can be a painful experience. My mother has always accused me of hating shopping. Yet, really, what I truly hated was that feeling of pain and shame and embarrassment of watching my clothing size go ‘Up, Up, and Away‘.

Today, for the first time in years, I was positively jazzed to try on clothes. Instead of the haunting dread that used to follow me about the clothing aisles, I felt hope. I was praying that I might be able to perhaps squeeze into that size fourteen I’ve been aiming to wear by my birthday (June 13th). Not only could I squeeze into the jeans, some of them were even too large!

This may be dramatic, this may be crazy; but, I literally fell to my knees and cried. Yes, real, big tears…of JOY.

These past few years have been incredibly trying–and often incredibly dark. I’ve suffered through weight gain, depression, anxiety, sleepless nights, and having to make a huge, unexpected career change. There were times over the last year or so, where I’d truly given up on life.

It’ll will always be this way, I thought, You’ll always be fat and worthless and depressed.

Yeah, you can imagine what a ‘joy’ I was to be around!

In that moment, standing in a size fourteen for the first time in over three years, I just felt this huge burst of relief. And gratefulness. And joy. When you’ve gone through truly dark times, you can really appreciate the light when it returns to your life.

So to the store clerks outside (and my mother, in whose lap I was crying!), it probably did seem melodramatic–maybe even a little crazy. Yet, for me, it was a moment of pure liberation.

I still have a while to go before I reach all my goals. But, to even have made it this far, is a triumph.

 

 

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